I am a 40 years old lady and a mother of 20 years old boy, I recite in Assam and like any other women, I also have some sexual desires but according to the society having sexual fantasies is a crime for me because I am a widow. My father was a cancer patient cop and my mother died earlier so my childhood was not easy, although it taught me that a girl’s life that lives in a backward and narrow minded society is not at all easy. We are 4 daughters and my only brother who always get love and attention from all the relatives and from my father after which we all sisters thought that we are unwanted kids for our dad.
We always feel like a curse and burden on our father and that is the reason why he always misbehave with us, there was something different from that negative environment which makes my life better and those people that was around me gave me a lesson for my bright and beautiful future.
One day in summer, a 10 year old girl had promised herself that she will definitely become good mother while she was sitting at the bank of river looking the sunset. I did not know that what a good mother is? But I and my sisters believe that we were sure that whatever happened with us will not be repeated.
I had never lived my journey from childhood to adulthood which my friends were living, I love to paint but I washed my dreams of painting in those bad days of my life that might lead me towards a bright future. It was easy to give up on this dream because the things that were needed for painting were not provided by my father and I could not fight for this. He used to save every penny for his son’s bright future and we had accepted the fact that we are poor daughters of rich dad.
But this was not the end of my life, after so many challenges in childhood, now it was the time to get into the new phase of life which was waiting for me with its open arm. I got married earlier to an alcoholic person and had a child, I left my studies in between and all these things were enough to break me down mentally and emotionally but this time I didn’t want to lose and I remembered the promise that I had made to myself for being a good mother and that was my actual fight.
I didn’t take divorce from my husband because I didn’t have much money for this and likewise, my promise to be a good mother stopped myself from doing anything but I started living separately with my son and I earn enough money to fulfil our basic need from a job and along with job I continued my studies. There were a lot of responsibilities regarding my job and my child. I had never thought to get married again because I was a married legally but then my husband died and I had become a widow.
I had not run away from this tag but then also I was in peace rather than guilt. It might sound bad but all those bad moments gave me this courage. But now I am not that 18 years old girl who cannot take a stand for her choices and rise from her pain but fighting for my rights will not help me out and I don’t want to be the victim of this hypocrite society.
Today I am a widow and the way these stereotypical people see me should be a matter of concern. This society says that a widow should live her whole life without having $<X, it doesn’t matter what is her age 18 or 50. $<X is healthy in my view but it is difficult to live with this fact.
I surely didn’t want to marry again because of my son but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have sexual desires, I never understood that why I cannot do $<X while I am a widow and along with it, it is difficult for a widow to find a life partner with the same thoughts you possess in Indian society.
A society, in which discussing about sex with women is still difficult then you can think how much haters I has to undergo. I will not deny to this need and even I don’t want to.
I thought that I am a successful and smart single parent who has a sensible and respectful son.
If a widow is fulfilling all her responsibilities then, is it necessary for society to interfere in her life.
This is the story of every woman who thinks that she is thinking wrong. If you are doing everything for your family then it is not necessary to think about what people will think. This is the time when you have to live for yourself not for the society.
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